Theboxman's Blog

 That’s Presidential Material

Tired of Presidential politics? Obama and Hillary bumming you out? Then let's talk about a real bum – Gabe Newman. Gabe is a unique street person. Prior to winning our 2008 Street Person of the Year award he had a dream to rise above his condition of living in his late model American made car and be one of the most recognized men in America, live in a big mansion, have men fear his power and women desire him as he sets the tone of American culture. Gabe wanted to be our generation's Hugh Hefner. Recognizing that he needs a stepping stone to launch this campaign, he has agreed to use his media exposure as Street Person of the Year, for the good of our country, and run for President.

His thinking is based on all the other bums running for office... "Why not put a real bum in the White House?"  If you think about it (but not too hard, and preferably after you have had a beer or four) it all makes sense.

Gabe is unemployed.  Or, as he expresses it, he is pursuing his dream job; but it is not impacting his revenue streams in a manner that creates a slightly, positive cash flow. Thus, he ends up relying on the American system of social services, the generosity of the common man, and the free peanuts in bars to exist.

Yet, he has a plan to free America of this burden, and the burden of others like him. Elect Gabe Newman as President with your write in ballot this November!! Your tax dollars are paying for both the White House and Social programs that assist people like Gabe so why not put a street person in the White House, then you can save the budget dollars because he will be employed and have housing? I am pretty sure he can do just as good a job as President Bush.

To help make your choice even easier Gabe, has developed his own platform of issues and promises. Screw bogus stimulus packages that were proven not to work over 40 years ago, or Universal Health Care that will be squashed by the drug and insurance company lobbyists. Gabe has programs and promises that may not make you better off in four years, but are sure to distract you from how crappy everything is currently.

Here is Gabe's set of promises that he scrawled on a bar napkin and passed to me to share with you:

 

1. Hef & Gabe's birthdays will be named federal holidays by executive order. The German's get six weeks off a year and we all are blowing at least two days a year looking at stuff on MySpace at work anyway. 

2. Liven up those boring House meeting and debates by adding "The House Hotties" a cheerleading team comprised of one cheerleader from every state. Just like pages but in skimpy outfits and they will have their own calendar for sale the proceeds of which will help to erase the national debt. 

3. Beer & Gin added to the list of food staples and now tax free just like bread. Plus WIC coupons may now be used to purchase these items. 

 4. All newspapers must have a centerfold. English newspapers have the Page 3 girl (if you don't know about this journalistic soft-core porn check it out) and our papers have nothing creating a "Hot chick gap" that must be closed.

5. ESPN must be included with all cable and satellite TV packages free of charge. QVC and Home Shopping channels are banned or must share a channel with Telemundo. 

 6. Every man, woman and child in this great nation gets to BLEEP slap one of the following celebrities of their choice, one time: Tom Cruise, Any of the ladies on The View, Matt Lauer, Oprah, or any male performer that has ever appeared on American Idol.

7. People who drive with their hazard lights on or can't remember to turn off their turn signal are allowed to be run off the road by other drives and the offending driver has to pay to have any damage done to your car in the process of running them off the road to be repaired. 

8. No more mixing of two breeds of dogs and giving their offspring cute names like Puggles. They have a name for dogs like that and they are called Mutts.

 9. Congressional hearings into if Lindsey Lohan, Brittney Spears, and Jessica Simpson had boob jobs and why cute Kate Hudson has not. 

10. Barry Bonds record removed from the record books. 

11. National Health Care for everyone. Unfortunately it will consist of Gabe's mom coming to your house, feeling your forehead and saying "You don't have a fever. Go to school/work and you will feel better by lunch. 

12. National Job Program: 5 cent deposit on all water bottles, soda bottles, and beer bottles spurring people to pick up all that are thrown onto the side of the street and redeeming them for money. 

13. Education Program: Students attending schools of Massage (especially those that teach how to give a Happy Ending), Exotic Dancing, and Casino Worker Training are now eligible for Pell Grants because those guys in India are going to end up with all the computer and call center jobs and you can't export Happy Endings. 

To achieve these lofty goals our candidate needs your help. If Obama can raise $280 million on the internet and Hillary can loan herself $20 million, we hope you can spot Gabe a Dollar so we can launch a media blitz to announce Gabe's run for the presidency. This is not a donation, it has no tax deductible status, and there is no big operation behind all this except Gabe and The Boxman. We are trying to panhandle our way into The White House. So, hit the PayPal button and give us a dollar. Want to do more drop us an email at contact(at)street-people(dot)com  offering your services to promote our candidate.