Theboxman's Blog

 

The past twelve months have brought us into contact with a varied assortment of street people from the hustlers in New Orleans who descended on the city to mooch of the aid offered to the victims of the hurricane to the ones we discovered in North Carolina that are celebrated by an annual event on local college campuses. Although we found some unique street people, some who shared secret knowledge of the bum code of the road, only one street person stood out this year. What makes someone qualified to be street person of the year? Read, learn, and aspire because our 2008 Street Person has big dreams fueled by big bottles of whiskey.

Street people come in many different forms and are on the street for many different reasons. Street people and the homeless are not one in the same. Although many street people are homeless, as this year’s street person is, it is not always true. We met several street people this year that shared little hovels, lived in boiler rooms, or had elaborate camps in the wooded areas off residential neighborhoods. A street person is someone who has decided to chuck the rules of society that the majority of us follow to find their own path. The 2008 Street Person of the year is such a person. After working as a cubical slave forced to gasp for fresh air through a necktie and a heavily starched shirt collar he chucked it all and pursued a varied array of untraditional jobs including professional rodeo clown. Meet Gabe Newman our 2008 Street Person of the Year.

Does the award come with drinks?

How is this clean cut, freshly washed guy, and good looking guy a street person? Simple. If you have ever lost a job because you came to work drunk and then decided the best thing to do was live in your car while you spend your days hitting on cute young waitresses in a bar while you complete your thesis on the effects of liquor on the unemployed you are a street person. A high class street person with really good taste but a street person none the less. It seems after chucking the corporate suit and tie culture Gabe took a job as a professional rodeo clown. A job that take balls as big as a bulls to do. It seem the organizers of one of the rodeos got upset with Gabe for showing up to work drunk and got him kicked out of the professional rodeo clown association. Gabe’s theory was that it was a requirement of the job to be drunk because why else would you get in the ring with a bull and taunt it until it chased you.

 

Gabe moved into his car and began a sabbatical which is a nice way of saying he had enough money to hang out at his favorite bar, sweet talk waitresses, and ponder the meaning of his life over quality whiskey. It was after several quality whiskeys while he stared at the pattern in the roof liner of his car as he was sprawled across the back bench seat that he had a vision. Gabe realized that someone needed to be in training to replace Hugh Hefner when he died. Gabe did not want to replace Hugh as the figure head of Playboy. Hugh has served as the image of sophisticated sex and lifestyle for a generation of men. When he passed someone was going to have to be the model by which our society measured manly sophistication. Gabe was just the man. A king in the corporate world – ok he held a job at one time. A daring and brave man – let’s see Richard Branson and his billions get in a ring with a bull. Sauvé with the ladies – no bar waitress was ever stiffed by Gabe, well on their tip we mean.

Thus, Gabe Newman needs one thing to start him on his way to being the next Hugh Hefner. A plan that will catapult him into the public eye and make the world envy him. You may be saying Gabe is a drunk, so what, President Bush was a drunk and a coke head and look what he has accomplished. Ok, maybe not a good example to draw but he did manage to steal an election all with the help of Jesus and a possible hidden bottle of whiskey. Gabe is not so cutthroat. He is willing to win the election by making a total mockery of the election process. In his first official act as 2008 Street Person of the Year he has offered to run for President. Based on the slogan of “Put a Real Bum in the White House” he plans to run as a write in candidate for the 2008 election. We have promised to help.

Washington D.C or Bust!

Gabe is willing to fire up his mobile presidential campaign car, the one he is living in, and visit any city, media outlet, or bar to raise awareness of the issues facing this great nation. That is if you can spot him the money to get there as it seems he has run through his small financial reserves, those double whiskeys get expensive. Check back often as along with more great stories about street people, bums and hustlers we will follow Gabe Newman’s candidacy for president.

 

Interested in supporting our candidate? Drop us a note. We will be putting together his official team of advisors, media representatives, and drinking buddies. If George Bush won 8 years ago because people felt he was a guy they could have a beer with, Gabe can win because he is the guy who would have 10 beers with you.